There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I will pee on everything he values.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
