If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
