I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
