oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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