Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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