sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
