eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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