I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
