she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
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They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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