dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
