I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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