and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
