I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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