alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
