I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
