An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
