I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
