Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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