I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
