Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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