i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
