Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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