I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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