Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
