Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
