Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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