if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
