a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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