I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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