you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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