what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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