did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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