i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
