no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
