ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
