6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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