Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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