Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It was a blind-side dick pic.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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