Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
