dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
