i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
