So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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