I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
