My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
