she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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