Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
