You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
