Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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