forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
