After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
