Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
