hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
