drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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