Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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