How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
