Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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